Hey Party-Makers,

When I was growing up, it was pretty clear to both of my parents that I was going to grow up to be opinionated. I was the kind of kid who challenged “because I said so,” because I wanted to understand the why behind things. My dad especially cultivated a fiery and healthy sense of questioning in me. I very vividly remember that in the election cycle in 2004 we had a lot of arguments at the dinner table. I was a big John Kerry fan and he was not, and I really couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t bend to the will of my 12-year old political theories.

Anyone who knew that 12 year-old then, knows that I am still a pretty opinionated person. If you’ve been reading along the last few weeks, this election cycle was hard for me. I won’t lie about that. But regardless of where you stand on the election, I’m not going to attack you for how you voted. I’m a firm believer that healing and unity come from listening and pursuing to understand each others’ stories.

In the fervent hope of reconciliation, and a true desire for peaceful celebrations this Holiday season, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it looks like to have peaceful political conversations with people you disagree with. I think especially coming out of this emotionally charged election, we all kind of want a break from the tension, and the angry Facebook comment sections, and the heaviness of it all. But at the same time, I am a firm believer that hard topics aren’t supposed to be swept under the rug, and that we’re stronger and healthier when we address the elephant in the room.

And maybe your family is all in unison on where you each stand, and this isn’t an issue for you. But for a lot of people I know, this isn’t the case. So if you’re anxious about this topic coming up this season, this is for you. I understand that not all families are alike, and that to have a peaceful conversation you have to have a willing conversation partner who also wants that. I’m also by no means saying you should spend your holidays talking about politics, because I don’t want you to miss out on this beautiful season. But, but, but when they do come up, my hope is that they can be healthy and productive, rather than inflammatory and destructive.

Ten Tips for Healthy, Peaceful, Political Conversations

1. Speak your truth. Wherever you stand, stand firmly. Don’t feel like you have to compromise your political and social beliefs because of the setting that you’re in. Speak boldly, and at the same time, gently, about what is important to you. Explain how you personally feel affected by this election. A lot of times when we have political discussions we speak in really broad terms of them and us. Speak to what is true to you. How you feel this affects your friends and family. Talk about the things that are important to you and share your heart and mind about them.
2. Ask to be listened to. If you find that you’re not being heard, or are being constantly interrupted, ask for what you need; don’t be afraid to ask someone to allow you to finish your thought. If you’re having a conversation like this, it should be two sided and not just a monologue you’re listening to. It isn’t too much to ask to allow your thoughts to be heard.
3. Listen when they are speaking. I can’t stress this enough. If you are listening to someone, and looking into their eyes while they tell you their truth, it humanizes the situation. It makes you responsive to their body language, to the discomfort of disagreeing and confrontation. It softens you. It makes their pain real. At the end of the day, pain is pain, and pain is relative. You can not understand their whole experience, but you can try. And trying looks like listening.
4. Ask questions. Ask about their experiences. Ask about how they arrived at the conclusions they did, and not out of attack or some sort of inquisition. Be curious to understand where they come from. Don’t make assumptions about what they believe and why, instead as questions when you don’t understand a certain aspect of what they’re saying. Give them space to speak their truth.
5. Challenge is a good thing sometimes. Something Ben and I are in unison about, is that if we hear statements charged with discrimination towards any group of people because of their gender, religion, race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation, we call it out. Speaking up for what you believe is right doesn’t have to be an attack. Calling someone out can be something that is done out of love. Set boundaries in your conversations if you’re hearing discriminatory language, and ask to steer away from that kind of conversation. Don’t be afraid to make clear what kind of conversation you want to have.
6. Remember that discourse isn’t about changing people’s minds. In fact that rarely happens. I’ve literally never seen or heard of anyone having a Facebook argument thread where the two people at odds suddenly came to the same conclusion. We’re usually deeply rooted to our beliefs for a reason. The best we can hope for in these conversations, is for both parties to lean in a little. To listen. To grieve with one another, and to view the world a little more differently having heard about it through someone else’s perspective.
7. Don’t talk about it at the table. If this sounds cliche, it’s because many a good host has probably had a deliciously strenuous meal ruined by opposing parties at the table. Respect and honor your host. Accept that these conversations are hard to navigate peacefully, and sitting at the table to argue and not eat is just uncomfortable and wasteful. Aim to be fully present with your crew. Think about what you’re celebrating and take a break from politics to be grateful for the people around you, for the effort put into your celebrations, and for whatever else in your life brings you joy.
8. Don’t let it be the center of your conversations. I get and understand the feeling that there is a lot to cover. And a lot of us have a lot of thoughts floating around in our heads. But Thanksgiving is not about the election. Don’t lose focus of a beautiful day with your crew.
9. Know when to stop. If you are feeling attacked, and hurt; if the person you’re speaking to isn’t respecting your space, or is making you feel unsafe: end the conversation. There more than likely wasn’t going to be resolution to that conversation in the first place. Do yourself and your heart a favor, and walk away from it. If you see someone in this situation, step in and help divert the conversation.
10. Tell them you love them afterwards (and try really hard to mean it). I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we’re not meant to be homogenous. We’re going to disagree about things with the people we love. But at the end of the day, party aside, reconciliation is a beautiful thing. And it leads to healing. Right now it feels like the United States could use about three years worth of sick days to heal. But in the mean time, if we can begin that process by seeking to listen and advocate for one another, we can get a head start.

There’s a lot more work to be done, a lot more healing and reconciliation to be fought for, a lot more issues to pursue and support on your own time and budget, but setting the standard of coming back together from a space of disagreement, into a space of love and respect is so important for us as a whole to move forward.

Our sincerest hope for all of you, is that this Thanksgiving, amidst the hard, and the heavy, you would feel safe and loved.

Love and hugs and joy and challenge,

Mary-Beth Johnson

Mary-Beth is a creative, food-obsessed, Georgia transplant living Chicago. She is proudly and fiercely Latina, and more specifically Chapina. In her day to day she is a food educator to students around Chicagoland aged 3 to 80+, both virtually and in-person. She is passionate about cultivating the truth that every person has an understanding of food that deserves being brought to the table, and that time in the kitchen can be sacred, passionate, and an act of love for self and others. Outside the kitchen you can find her at the intersections of infertility, chronic illness, and a deep love for the dignity of all humans. She hopes to create a space that is holistic about the role of food in the social, political, relational, and physiological dynamics of our world.